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Jokes

Everyone needs a good laugh, especially during this relentless Covid-19 pandemic. So, check out these FunnyMatter.com jokes to get your fill. If you’d like to upload some jokes, please do by entering them into our contact HERE. If you’d like your name associated with the joke, let us know.  Enjoy!

Advertising For a Man

A woman who was recently divorced was looking to meet a man, so she put a classified ad in the paper saying the following: Single woman looking to meet a man who won’t beat her, who won’t leave her, and that can satisfy her sexually.

The next day, her doorbell rings, and she opens the door to see a man there with no arms and no legs. He says, “I’m here about the ad.” She was shocked, but then calmly asks the man how he can meet the criteria in her ad. He responds by saying, “I have no arms, so I can’t beat you. I have no legs, so I can’t leave you. “Well, she says. That’s two out of three. But, how can you satisfy me sexually?” He then says, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?

Hunting Gone Wrong

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”

Playing with fate

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains.

“That’s true,” says God.

“So what happened?” she asks.

God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.”

Blond Joke

There were two blonds on opposite sides of a lake. One of the blonds yells to the other blond across the lake, “How do you get to the other side?” the second blond yells back, “You already are!”

Cheap Circumcision 

What is a cheap circumcision called?

A rip-off.

FBI Open Position

The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. ‘We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.’ Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair… we need you to kill her’ The man said, ‘You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.’ The agent said, ‘Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.’ The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, ‘I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.’ The agent said, ‘You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife home.’ Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. ‘Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks’ he said. ‘I had to strangle that bitch to death’.

Prayers

Teacher: Now, Ramu, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating? Ramu: No sir, I don’t have to, my mom is a good cook.

The IT Guy: Bike

Two IT guys were walking across the park when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”

The second IT guy replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, ‘Take what you want.’

The second IT guy nodded approvingly, “Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn’t have fit.”

The IT Guy: Wife or Mistress

An architect, an artist and an IT guy were discussing whether it was better to have a wife or a mistress.

The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The IT guy said, “I like both.”

The artist said “BOTH?”

The IT guy replied “Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the office and get some work done.”

The IT Guy: Glass half full?

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the IT guy, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Picture Of Humility

This is allegedly a true story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting, according to the newspaper account.

From Herb Caen’s column in the San Francisco Chronicle:

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40, and a photo of his car.

Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.

Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that contained another picture – of handcuffs.

The Motorist’s Revenge

Apparently two members of the police force were out on the Berwickshire moors with a radar gun, happily idling their lives away apprehending alleged speeding motorists when their equipment suddenly locked-up with an unanticipated digital readout of 300 miles per hour!

Seconds later a low flying Harrier jump jet hurtled over their heads.

The police lodged a complaint with the RAF over the damage to their radar gun. The RAF pointed out that the damage may have been much more severe as the Harrier’s target-seeker had locked on to the ‘enemy’ radar and triggered an automatic retaliatory air-to-surface missile attack.

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