Advertising For a Man
A woman who was recently divorced was looking to meet a man, so she put a classified ad in the paper saying the following: Single woman looking to meet a man who won’t beat her, who won’t leave her, and that can satisfy her sexually.
The next day, her doorbell rings, and she opens the door to see a man there with no arms and no legs. He says, “I’m here about the ad.” She was shocked, but then calmly asks the man how he can meet the criteria in her ad. He responds by saying, “I have no arms, so I can’t beat you. I have no legs, so I can’t leave you. “Well, she says. That’s two out of three. But, how can you satisfy me sexually?” He then says, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?
Hunting Gone Wrong
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”
The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s a silence, then a shot. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”
Playing with fate
In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.
God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”
With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks great! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with a swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed. Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains.
“That’s true,” says God.
“So what happened?” she asks.
God shrugs. “I didn’t recognize you.”
There were two blonds on opposite sides of a lake. One of the blonds yells to the other blond across the lake, “How do you get to the other side?” the second blond yells back, “You already are!”